We ALL come with self sabotaging behaviors that we have learned from our families, past relationships, for self preservation…etc.
Some are more harmful than others.
The epiphanies you have after being a part of a challenging Narcissistic relationship is well worth the horrific experience.
It is a painful, foundation shattering experience…that I will absolutely NEVER repeat.
Being dragged through broken glass is a one and done experience.
ALL your vulnerabilities, your wounds, negative behaviors, self sabotaging behaviors and also behaviors you didn’t know existed…then some…are ALL triggered by the Narcissist…for you to identify, work on and fix.
It is as close as you will get to Hell here on Earth.
That is their ONLY job.
They are not in your life to share good feelings…they are in your life to poke and highlight your vulnerabilities.
They are your ‘lesson’ you were refusing to learn.
They teach you what Love is NOT…pay attention!!
With their many dysfunctional behaviors they provoke your core wounds…and you will learn that YOU are the one that provided them with the ‘ammunition’ to treat you badly.
In my personal experience…
I shared my entire life with a ‘stranger’…I did it with good intentions and full disclosure.
NOT the best decision…and with the WRONG person.
For example if you tell them that you had a troublesome childhood they will start to provoke your sense of abandonment by abandoning you…over and over.
If you tell them you had a sexually abusive past…they will start to sexually humiliate you.
If you tell them…yelling scares you…they will use that as their means of communication.
If you tell them you don’t like the color green…everything around you will be a shade of green…
You get my drift…
They will use EVERYTHING you share with them in confidence… against you.
That doesn’t work the same for good behaviors…it’s quite the opposite…if you tell them or they find out you like something…it will not be repeated again.
Yes…I know…not ‘normal’ relationship behaviors.
They are not the kind of person you want a lifetime relationship with…they are solely sent to you to learn a lesson.
People do spend decades with such a person going over and over with the same abusive cycle…not aware.
I’m not judging…I did 9 cycles in 2.5 years…so I’m not judging.
ALL these wounds already exist within you…the Narcissist just provokes them in you with their bad behaviors.
I went through the whole gamut of dysfunctional behaviors with him…and they were ALL destructive…to me.
He was 20% nice…with 80% abusive dysfunctional tendencies.
That 20% keeps you hitched… because you are a ‘nice person’.
But those are not good odds.
I will share this particular self sabotaging behavior because it involved ONLY him…but the harm caused to me was not only tremendously betraying…but also tremendously eye opening.
They get emotionally invested with others outside the relationship…with egotistical self-indulgent motives.
They are emotionally unstable people who don’t trust in themselves.
They are emotionally unstable people who allow others to step in and navigate their life…because they are incapable of making their own decisions.
They need the input of others because they don’t have the maturity to handle relationships on their own.
The BIGGEST and ONLY relevant reason they do this is to secure a constant stream of attention…or victim mentality support.
They invite the butcher, the baker, the candle stick maker, the exes, the why-es and the zees…all to participate in their relationship.
Some people are willing to butt into your relationship if they are given an invitation…they too do it for the attention…they feel ‘needed’ in some way.
Particularly the other abandoned exes…and trust me…there is a bushel full of them.
They make other people responsible for the health of their relationships, their decisions, and their life.
So are you putting your life decisions in the hands of unimportant people that surround you…people that have absolutely NO business being in your business?
THAT is something you need to pay attention to and look into.
These are self sabotaging behaviors that destroy relationships.
This happens within families, within intimate relationships and within platonic relationships as well.
You know we ALL have those people around us.
Remember the old saying…’its the company you keep’
That saying holds true.
Toxic people draw out toxic behaviors from other toxic people.
In relationships these kind of people are non committal and indecisive because they are incapable of making decisions without the help of meddling ‘friends’.
Some of these are only called ‘friends’…they are always more than that…irrelevant…still dysfunctional…and…yukhy.
They feel emotionally stabilized momentarily by other people’s perception and opinions of themselves. They are in constant need of this attention and approval…it’s their lifeline.
Remember…the BIGGEST and ONLY relevant reason they do this is to secure a constant stream of attention.
They are as indecisive as a toddler deciding between 2 red trucks…they are even non committal to deciding on tomorrow’s lunch.
These are very dangerous people to be in a relationship with because they are incapable of emotional support when needed.
THEY are their own handicap.
They are not trustworthy nor are they dependable.
They are incapable of making decisions…small…to…BIG.
Their mind is a chaotic unstable mess so they depend on their ‘friends’ for pity, for input, but mostly for attention…constant attention.
He shared my personal information, my medical information, things I shared with ONLY him with some married woman he was hoovering…and who knows who else.
This was not a one time incident…this was on going for the entire 2.5 years.
Narcissists hoover around and trianglulate ALL their exes…if you let them in…and most of their unaware exes will let them in.
It’s attention seeking…what’s better to fuel a Narcissistic ego than getting the attention of a married ex…that’s a twofer…while he undermines the husband…a threefer.
I’m pretty sure these inappropriate meddlers would not appreciate me coddling their partners misappropriated emotional needs.
All this would be perfectly ok if done on the up and up…it never is.
Intentions matter…
People who have nothing to hide…hide nothing.
There were several others involved as well.
Grand Central Station.
It’s a Merry-go-round.
And then it got worse…but that’s for another blog day.
Emotional betrayal is not supportive and does not foster a healthy relationship.
Emotional betrayal weakens and undermines the relationship.
Narcissists toy with other people’s sense of loyalty and faithfulness but expect full loyalty from YOU.
They are deeply hurt and offended if it is not reciprocated.
Narcissists are completely self absorbed, self indulgent and selfish…and self sabotage ALL their relationships themselves.
If you do not have the trust in your own self to make decisions that effect your relationships or family…you do not have the maturity to handle relationships…nor do you have the maturity to be in a relationship.
I am not talking about confiding in your friend for advice or help with something difficult.
I’m talking about people who continue emotional attachments to people and allow it to interfere in their personal relationships…so much so they are not in control of their own decisions or life path any longer.
Their emotional involvement and time invested in others is therefore greater than time invested in their partner.
Emotional betrayal is just as harmful to a relationship as physical betrayal…if not more.
Once you make others responsible for decisions in YOUR life…you are no longer in charge of your own life…you are no longer in control over the outcome of your own life.
These are self sabotaging behaviors.
We all have some behaviors that effect us negatively in relationships or are self sabotaging…we learn and grow.
***Inviting other people to meddle in your intimate relationships are a BIG red flag and a deal breaker***
If someone does not possess the integrity to protect the sacredness or trust within a relationship they do not deserve yours.
My perspective of dealing with Narcissistic Abuse is from my personal experience…and need not be yours.
But I hope it can shine a light on similar experiences in your life.
