The word scapegoating is defined as, “the act or practice of assigning blame or failure to another so as to deflect attention or responsibility away from oneself.”
Aka…Denial.
In toxic relationships scapegoating is a way to live in denial of one’s own faults or failures.
Passing the buck to avoid responsibility or accountability for one’s own actions.
A scapegoat is picked by personality type, by choice or by mere availability.
In toxic dynamics there is always a scapegoat to lay blame on.
This can occur within familial, intimate or friends dynamics.
A simple example of scapegoating would be…
I got lost, fell in a ditch, lost my phone… again…because the sky turned grey (and not because I’m a blubbering drunk).
Assignment of a scapegoat is just to shift the blame off yourself to another person or thing.
So you get my drift.
We ALL live our life in denial of one type or another.
Addictions have a denial component attached to it.
I over drink everyday because you make me unhappy.
In actuality…the truth is…I over drink everyday because I’m unhappy with myself.
Abuse has a denial component to it.
I wouldn’t yell at you if you didn’t make me angry.
I pushed you because you made me do it.
I slapped you because you didn’t shut up when I asked you to.
When I rage and yell you should just take it because you should know not to make me mad in the first place.
You should apologize to me for making me mad enough to ask you to fuckoff.
These are very prevalent in dysfunctional settings where one person is constantly blamed for the another person’s fuck ups.
These are ALL excuses to not take responsibility of one’s own bad behaviors.
These are ALL commonly used by emotional abusers.
When you blame another person for your own bad behaviors…it is Emotional Abuse.
It is very damaging to the psyche of the scapegoat…they are placed in a no win situation.
If you don’t succumb it usually results in more belligerent verbal abuse, silent treatments or worse.
Most scapegoats usually give in to maintain the peace.
The same concept applies for play ground bullies.
This type of psychological abuse is cruel, insidious and dangerous as we can see in these instances…they don’t allow for the target to protect themselves.
The outcome is always worse if they do choose to protect themselves.
Verbal, emotional and psychological abuse leaves no visible scars…it is the worst kind of abuse.
There is no favorable happily ever after with such people…it corrodes every part of you…mentally, physically and emotionally.
In family dynamics it may be very hard to remove yourself permanently.
These type of toxic people are not open to healthy communication or discussion.
Admitting to fault would mean that they have to admit that there is a problem.
Admitting to fault would mean that they have to apologize.
Admitting to fault would mean they cannot use the scapegoat as their whipping post anymore.
Admitting to fault would mean they cannot be in denial anymore that THEY are the problem.
THAT takes a lot of ‘admitting’.
THAT takes a lot of work.
But when you realize YOU are your own problem it actually is an easier fix because now you are in control of the solution.
You are your own solution.
As far as the scapegoat…you have to set very strong boundaries and stick to them.
Learn to stand up for yourself.
Emotional abusers can get very belligerent…but remember they are BIG cowards…they are just play ground bullies…they can dish it but they can’t take it.
They will push you only as far as you allow them to.
Don’t allow them to.
Stand up and protect yourself or seek help.
