Survival on bare essentials with no emotional needs fulfilled and with no opportunity to voice out needs.
THAT was my childhood (and maybe the childhood experience of many others from my culture and my generation)
My only basic requirement even at 5 was peace of mind and safety.
It was a tough commodity to come by with 6 adults living in a one bedroom apartment…in a volatile household.
Safety…is a basic human requirement.
My requirement everyday was to feel safe…so my trigger threshold was very low…if I didn’t feel safe my foundation was rattled.
As an adult I got into relationships where my only requirement was safety…so I did not voice out any other needs because I was hell bent on keeping the peace…for my safety.
If I voiced out my needs this rattled the partner’s foundation because they were not able or capable to fulfill other’s needs…only their own.
Those were the kind of partners I picked.
Relationships became increasingly difficult and then it got worse…I got entangled with a Narcissist.
Life with a Narcissist is the most unsafe you will ever be.
A Narcissist by nature is unstable and emotionally unbalanced.
They project all their fears onto you and make those fears a reality.
It’s like walking in a minefield…blindfolded…anticipating an explosion.
He was not only not able to provide a safe environment for me…he was going to push my safety further off kilter with abuse…emotional torment at first then physical assaults and then sexually demeaning comments…etc.
They will physically push you…leave you in the middle of nowhere…crazy explosive anger…whatever I ‘allowed’…Till I didn’t…then the shit hit the fan…for me…because Narcissistic Abusers are unable to stop their cycles of abuse…the acceleration is always progressive.
They push boundaries to trigger vulnerabilities to see how low they can go.
In my case he went pretty low.
He fucked with my only basic human need…my safety.
THAT scenario was not going to be repeated again.
Now…if anyone fucks with my safety they are eliminated from my life…just like he was.
Karmic lessons…our fears…from our past do show up to be cleared.
You have to allow these karmic partners to learn their lessons in their own time…just like you had to on your own time.
Now…I can provide my own safety and my own Peace of mind and no one is given the position of being responsible for my safety…or my peace of mind.
My safety is not up for negotiations.
Peace of Mind is priceless and I provide it to myself.
