How long and to what extent can we betray our own selves.
Sometimes it’s a whole lifetime if we are living in denial inside an illusion.
For me…I allowed someone to pick me up and throw me out of car because he didn’t want to be accountable for some thing he had done…so he chose to cover that up by doing something even worse…that’s how abusers operate… impulsively from a place of fear.
I thanked God that day… because I was not going to go back to him…but I did …for another year.
So how far was I willing to go to betray my own self?
I did…go further.
I always considered myself a confident, intelligent person…
So how did I get to this place?
Very very slowly…a life time of giving away your power bit by bit to people in your life…till you end up in a situation where some one else is in control of your life.
Someone else is in the driver’s seat of YOUR car.
At that point I was aware that not only was I not in control of my own life…I was also in denial of the kind of relationship I was part of.
I didn’t want abuse to be part of my resume…so I kept going back wanting him to ‘fix’ it…to fix my pain…to correct my resume.
This, of course is not the way abusive relationships work…the abuse proceeded as intended by the abuser and I stayed around in the hope that it would all disappear.
That is the dynamic of such a relationship…abuse, denial and hope…rinse and repeat.
How do we get to this point?
Very very slowly…it’s a lifetime of slow self brain washing…to make others more comfortable at the risk of ignoring your own comfort and feelings.
The more you tolerate controlling behaviors from another the more your boundaries are pushed the more you are giving away your power.
It’s done with the best intentions in mind on your part…for peace in a relationship…but the partner does it for control…with self absorbed self serving intentions…and because you ‘allow’ them.
In the end…it wasn’t the actual person that mattered…if it was not him…it was going to be another manipulator.
I had to adjust my own reality, my own belief system to keep these kind of energies away from me.
They will always be around…just make sure they are not around YOU.
How much love I felt for someone…or the time and effort invested was not the determining factors any more…how strange…how naive…how archaic of me.
I call it my best worst experience of my life.
If I hadn’t woken up to this lesson I would be in another… probably worse situation…or worse still…struggling in the same situation trying to ‘fix’ my resume.
The same persistence that kept me in these kind of situations was the same persistence that helped me crawl out of the hole I had dug myself into.
Lesson of a lifetime….
The Universe pushed me into the drivers seat.
