Avoidant…Commitment phobe…or Narcissistic…
It doesn’t matter…the end result is still the same.
What you allow…will continue.
When you enter into a relationship with a narcissistic person, commitment phobe or an avoidant person, all your green flags will look like red flags to them.
If you are attentive and show interest they will see it as being needy.
If you show them that you would like to get to know them and spend more time with them…they will read that as being clingy.
Whatever positive energy you show them they will see it as a negative.
They are operating from fear and from their past hurt because they never give themselves the chance to heal past trauma…and because they are unable to be like you…open and vulnerable…and because they jump from one person to another trying to displace their baggage.
They project their misplaced anger and pain from their past onto you.
ALL 3 of these personality types view vulnerabilities as a weakness.
Being able to be vulnerable in a relationship is a requirement…you have to be able to open up yourself to another and vice-versa.
Intimate or platonic…same.
You can’t sustain any type of relationship without being emotionally open.
They like the chase…they are like toddlers they want it if they don’t have it…but don’t care for it when they have it.
For an adult…that’s a mental disorder.
Be careful…they feel that they can do this…successfully.
They cannot change…THEY ONLY want you if you ‘accommodate’ them.
Take me as fucked up as I am…because I’m unable to change…but I need YOU to accommodate my bad behaviors…or I’ll fuck you up!
ALL Narcissistic people are avoidant, commitment phobic and so much more, but not all avoidants or commitment phobes are Narcissistic.
Narcissistic people usually have a horrible track record for jumping from one relationship to another…without completion…also overlapping partners to keep their broken ego inflated.
They dump all their baggage onto your lap and run…literally!
They drag their old incomplete relationships into their new ‘relationships’.
Remember how you had a bunch of their exes sitting on your lap…they are still doing the same…except you are now one of their exes who is sitting on someone else’s lap.
They ALWAYS drag in their past trash…now YOU are their past trash 😜 but for someone else.
Narcissists use being avoidant as part of their game of manipulation…it’s a shitty game of avoiding accountability or responsibility for ANYTHING and EVERYTHING…or even showing emotions…it keeps you in a state of confusion, mental chaos…and constant anxiety with their wishy washy behavior.
They will use your vulnerabilities against you.
They use negative reinforcement to get desired results…
It’s a warped way of thinking.
But it works…for them…not for YOU.
A simplistic example…
If you beat a child its possible to get a desired reaction from them…out of fear…
Thats using negative reinforcement to get a desired result.
Warped but workable.
Adult version…they withhold emotions, attention, interest, love, desire…it’s just as damaging.
They push you away…just to keep you close…
Fucked up and warped??? Yes…but YOU participated…just like that child who was beaten to get a desired reaction…who had no choice!
But YOU DO!
Abuse at the hands of someone with an avoidant personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder includes psychological and emotional torment.
These personality types are unable to participate in a ‘proper’ relationship due to some past trauma and they will ruin it for you by making you feel as if all your emotions are not valid and over the top.
Plus…narcissistic people like playing games because it works for them…it’s a cycle they are stuck in…they do what works for them…you are just a pawn in their game…a replaceable pawn.
Being able to be vulnerable is a super power…not a weakness.
It’s not your job to fix them…
You don’t have to fix what you didn’t break…
Don’t be an enabler of people’s bad behaviors.
Their karmic baggage is theirs to deal with…DO NOT take it on as your own…or stay around to shield them from their own karma.
Cycling out of this type of an abusive experience from your system is very time consuming and painful…and will require professional help or guidance/research from sources who are familiar with this type of emotional abuse.
They will repeat this cycle over and over because their narcissism is character embedded.
But YOU now know better…
YOU don’t have to repeat this cycle.
Narcissism does not occur in a vacuum…it requires participants…
YOU were that participant!
You have to take accountability for your own participation in this dynamic…because they NEVER will…
THAT’S the ONLY way you can even begin to heal.
YOU went back multiple times knowing fully well what they were doing…but YOU chose to repetitively buy what they were selling you.
THAT should be the focus of your healing…
***What made you keep going back knowing fully well they were treating you badly***
If you are afraid you are going to lose someone…trust that they have made you feel that way…trust that feeling.
If you have to struggle to keep someone or something…it was NEVER yours to keep…or to lose.
Why they gonna change…if you keep going back when nothing has changed.
Statistically people go back @ 7 times to these type of relationships…until they realize the pile of shit they are sitting on.
And even then the perpetrator will try to come back again to check to see if you still have a pulse…to finish what they started or to jump with joy on your dead body.
YOU grew the nails to shut this muthafarking coffin up!
YOU are your own closure…
YOU and only YOU can put an END to it.
LISTEN…people are removed from your life for a reason…because they are NOT operating in the way they are supposed to…it’s not for your highest good…DO NOT fight it or struggle to get them back.
People who are supposed to be there…still are.
You think ALL people are just like you or think like you…
They do not!
You may be able to see the good in people…but DO NOT ignore the bad…sometimes the bad out weighs the good.
Always remember…relationships are hard work for both parties…but it’s not supposed to be a fucking constant struggle…or to teach a full grown adult to treat you well…..WHAT!
That’s not your job!
Your job is YOU!
Struggle=no bueno=bail out.
People who know what I’m talking about…already know what I’m talking about.
Your story is not much different from mine.
