A Happy Accident…
Toxic people will try to test you to see if you will validate them.
They will treat you badly to see if you ‘really’ want to hang around with them…they use negative reinforcement to get a desired result.
If you do validate their ‘game’ then it’s off to the races…
YOU have just agreed to and set up a precedence of how this ‘relationship’ will progress.
They will continue to treat you badly to make YOU prove their worth to themselves…to preserve their ‘significance’.
Each time you stay past another ‘incident’ they feel better about themselves…it makes them feel powerful enough to continue the bad treatment.
***What you allow will continue***
They are motivated by negative reinforcement…that’s why they do the same to you…they think you are the same as them.
If you participate they are ‘happy’ and you will be given a few positive breadcrumbs…until later…it’s a nonstop ongoing strategy.
Fucked up much!
Yes it is…THIS is what narcissists do…it’s called creating a trauma bond.
They feel they need to trap a partner to stay in a relationship by creating a trauma bond.
In intimate settings they will introduce all sorts of third parties…exes…etc into the dynamic to create a sense of competition so that they can feel like the ‘prize’ in their little head…and in their BIG broken fragile ego.
In familial and platonic settings also the same…they will pit people one against the other.
You both have 2 very different agendas.
YOU are staying because you are invested and have made yourself emotionally available to this person because you think you are in a relationship and they are just using you as an emotional punching bag because you have made yourself available.
You are in this ‘relationship’ with and by yourself…they are not invested in this relationship or you.
You can be easily replaced by another emotional punching bag…and you will be…very soon.
Hard to not take this personally…but this isn’t about YOU…you are just an interchangeable replaceable pawn.
Their behavior is remedial in nature meant to support their broken fragile ego.
Trauma bonding.
By definition…Trauma bonds are emotional bonds with an individual that arise from a recurring, cyclical pattern of abuse perpetuated by intermittent reinforcement through rewards and punishments.
The reason people stay in an abusive situation…Trauma Bonding.
They use push and pull, hot and cold, in and out techniques to manipulate your emotions into confusion to leverage control over the dynamic.
They will continue to treat you less than stellar to keep YOU ‘proving’ their worth to themselves.
YOU are assigned the job of making them feel better about their miserable selves.
It’s a shitty job!
Get yourself fired!
Peace of mind…is your unemployment benefit.
You and me do not think like that…and thankfully never will…but Narcissists do.
That’s why it’s called a mental disorder.
Your childhood programming starting with a Narcissistic caregiver will keep you in this vicious cycle until you recognize what is happening…as I did.
For me finding this out was my happy accident…ONLY because I was able to identify it and eliminate it.
This happened to me in my 50s…better late than never has never been a truer statement.
This might not be true for most…
I consider myself fortunate to have discovered this in my 50s…otherwise I would still be participating in their miserable abuse cycles…as do a lot of people.
I do not think as these kind of people do…but I do recognize this behavior because I participated in it my entire life.
If you do not ‘participate’ you will have to tolerate strong repercussions… punishments…abuse…silent treatments…there will be a harsh backlash…until you give in.
ANY attempt at conflict resolution on your part will result in a worse outcome for YOU…and multiplied misery.
Their ‘comfort’ is achieved at your detriment and your discomfort.
This is how abusers groom and control their environments.
Most people succumb to this unknowingly to keep the peace.
I did…until I didn’t!
However…
THEIR unfortunate Happy Accident was to mistake my kindness for stupidity and underestimate me.
2 Happy Accidents…both for my benefit!āļøš
And THAT last part is why I am where I am today…Free at last!
