A friend of mine mentioned to me they were trying to imagine what I had gone through.
Here’s my answer to that.
It’s hard to ‘imagine’ unless you have experienced Narcissistic abuse yourself.
It’s not something a ‘normal’ mind can fathom or easily comprehend.
That’s why during the recovery stage we only share with others who have experienced the same type of abuse.
It is a diabolical, convoluted and destructive experience.
I had to research NPD to be able to understand what I went through.
I will try to explain some of the behaviors that I experienced.
Covert Narcissists are not ‘openly’ abusive.
Most people go in and out of their lives and do not notice their dysfunctional behaviors at all.
You can spend decades with one and not notice you are in cycles of abuse with your partner…you might just recognize them as a ‘troublesome partner’
I, myself saw the bad behaviors and just hoped it was just ‘another misunderstanding’ and gave him the benefit of the doubt…repetitively.
Their disorder is their defense mechanism…it is how they operate…it is who they are.
They have lots of positive qualities…it is the negative qualities that are dysfunctional and destroy relationships.
And…MOST importantly…it works perfectly well for them.
That is why it is very difficult for them to want to change.
We ALL display negative behaviors at times when we are exposed to difficult circumstances…good, bad or ugly…it is a normal human response.
But it is the cyclical repetitive patterns of NPD behaviors that make them different from ‘normal’ people.
Their WHOLE life is based on getting attention and validation from outside of self.
They are ALWAYS jonesing for attention…they are ALWAYS on the prowl…that is how they survive.
They are very charming and humble at first impression.
Lots of good qualities that fade out very quickly…at least to you as their partner…the rest of the world still gets to experience their ‘goodness’.
I realized over time he was only ‘nice’ to me around his friends or when he wanted something.
It’s called protecting their fake public facade.
They prey on people at vulnerable times of their lives.
They prey on people who are newly single, going through a divorce, have a death in the family etc.
They are emotionally lazy partners.
They will exert the least possible effort to get what they want…and they ALWAYS want.
They are ‘takers’ who are always on the prowl for ‘givers’.
They will also prey on people in shaky relationships and marriages…they have no restrictions on where they will milk attention from.
They will try to meddle and destroy relationships of exes who have moved on.
I watched him do ALL of the above while he was with me…and wondered WTF?
They have NO shame and NO boundaries.
It’s a compulsive need for attention that they cannot stop or deny…like jonesing for a fix.
My divorce was not even finalized when he targeted me.
I jumped head first in with a stranger…someone I hardly knew, who proclaimed his love for me in less than a month.
WOW!! I had lucked out!!
I shared with him all that I wanted from a relationship and he obliged.
He said he was crazy about me and I felt the same way about him…crazy indeed.
Less than 2 months into the relationship…the Honeymoon was over.
It started out with him getting caught in a lie and when asked about it reacted like a disgruntled toddler…pouting, stomping feet, folded arms, pacing, yelling…the works.
Narcissists have the emotional maturity and integrity of a toddler but inflict harm like an adult.
So there is no rational reasoning with them.
That was the beginning of a 2.5 year Spin cycle of Narcissistic Hell.
Although I didn’t know that at the time.
There were many red flags.
I disregarded my very loud intuition…and found myself participating in the Narcissistic game of whip lash cycles…in and out, back and forth, up and down, to and fro.
These are some of the techniques they use to support their dysfunction…lying, cheating, projection, deflection, mind fuckery, silent treatments, hoovering chasing triangulating and recycling exes to provoke jealousy, unpredictable explosive temper, physical and verbal abuse and discarding as part of their arsenal to keep the target spinning out of control.
I experienced ALL of them.
He bold face lied, he lied by omission, he lied when he didn’t need to lie, he lied under oath, he lied about lying.
Most of the time I didn’t know he was lying but from his own explosive outburst.
They are pathological liars and have absolutely no conscience or empathy governing their behaviors and that makes them very dangerous.
9 cycles later…30 lbs weight loss from projectile vomiting, inability to eat from anxiety, my hair falling out in bunches from severe adrenal fatigue and a lot of emotional damage…I was discarded in the most cruel way…for the LAST time.
One of the BIGGEST telltale signs for a survivor of emotional abuse is the deterioration of their mental and physical health because of the extreme covertness of the abuse…it is a Royal mindfuck and very disruptive to your psyche.
I was 51 when I got involved with this nonsense.
I am now 56.
I have been away from the abuser for about 3 years…but the abuse stopped 2 years ago when he got thrown out from court with his ludacris accusations.
It took me over 2 years to reverse the damage…for my hair to stop falling out and my health to stabilize.
I’d go over and over in my head with the details of what happened…how it happened…why it happen…how did I allow it…why did I stay…how foolish I felt…hoping I could make sense of the pointless cruelty.
So many thoughts to ruminate over and over like toxic sludge in my poor tired brain.
The abuse cycles that he had started…I continued myself with my own thoughts after he had left my life.
And then finally the fog lifted and ALL the pieces fell into place.
At that time the actual details of the abuse didn’t matter…the actual person didn’t even matter.
If it was not him it would have been another Abusive Manipulator.
It was ME that was my problem…I had stayed with someone who was treating me badly and I could not get myself to leave…even when I knew something was so wrong.
I cannot claim that I dodged a bullet…because I did get hit…but I was just maimed and lost some hair.
I had to process the pain of the inhumane betrayal, the humiliation of the cruel abuse and the heartless discards.
Not to mention him trying to take away my livelihood and trying to get me arrested close to a year to control my freedom.
All the fun stuff Narcissists do to protect their fake public facade.
He was not accountable for any of his behaviors nor was he responsible for ANYTHING he had done to me during the relationship including attacking me and throwing me out of a car…so the level of denial with him was very great. Denial is the ONLY way a Narcissist can live with himself.
After the last cruel discard…he told me “too bad…you lost a good friend”
Who needs enemies when you have ‘friends’ like this!!
FB friend request to Saddam or Hitler anyone?
They are also delusional.
Both of us lived in denial of our own ‘reality’.
I refused to believe I was in an abusive relationship and he refused to believe he was abusive.
Narcissists don’t apologise or give closure.
They try to keep the door open for future hoovers.
9 is my lucky number…there is NOT going to be a 10th cycle…I made very sure of that…although he did try.
He is blocked for good reason.
People only do what we allow them to do…he is not allowed to abuse me EVER again.
I had already served my time in Hell.
Of course he continued with his life like nothing had occured.
He gets to live in denial of the abuse…I do not have that privilege.
He had taken me on a one way roller coaster ride to Hell and left me there.
On my way back I had to find and pick up my dignity and my self respect that I had dropped somewhere along the way.
So I did…I had no other choice.
I had gotten to a point in my life where I welcomed in someone abusive and did NOTHING to protect myself.
It was time to TO WAKE THE HELL UP!
The best worst experience of my life….
